Monday, September 15, 2008

The Facts of Life

Three words that can strike fear into the heart of any mother.
"What's wrong?"
"Bess and Mac are frozen together! You have to help them!"
Okay, I could breathe a sigh of relief. Bess and Mac were the barn dogs. And I seriously doubted that they were frozen together. A glimmer of what might have happened began to form in the recesses of my mind.
"Don't worry, Sweetie. I'm sure they're fine."
"No, Mommy! They're really stuck! You have to help them!"
We ran out to the barn. It was an icy cold March day and I could understand how my 5year old would think the dogs could be frozen together. Indeed, even I marveled at what I saw before me. By this time I knew exactly what had transpired, but not actually having witnessed the deed before, did not know that the male could complete his act, dismount and then swivel around so that the hind quarters of both animals would remained attached with their heads facing in opposite directions! A remarkable feat!
The boys looked to me to remedy the situation. Since they were convinced this was a weather related predicament, I doubted that they had seen the mating dance that would have come before. So I decided not to launch into the birds and the bees lesson. They just needed to know that everyone would be alright.
"I think they'll be just fine. They're not really frozen. We'll just give them a few minutes."
The air was heavy with worry and anticipation as the boys waited silently. The dogs looked at us with baleflul expressions, asking for a little privacy, please!
Suddenly they disengaged! Mac stood there, proudly displaying his swollen dog-manhood for all to see. Even I was surprised at this revelation.
"OH NO! LOOK WHAT SHE DID TO HIM!" my 9 year old screamed.
I didn't want to minimize this important life lesson by laughing, but it was hard not to. I knew full well that Mac was not suffering...I think I saw him grinning, as a matter of fact. But my sons were obviously not associating this tableau with either pleasure or procreation. There was a lot of information to absorb here.
"Don't worry, Mac is not hurting. He'll be fine in just a minute. He just gave Bess some puppies."
The mood in the barn visibly brightened,"Puppies?! Really?!"
And, of course, Mac was fine. I guess it's a guy thing that the boys would be concerned only for Mac. I wonder if I had daughters and they had witnessed the same thing, would they have been so concerned for Mac or would I have heard,"Oh No! What did he to do her!?"


Shannon ( said...

I got a good laugh out of this story!! Males of any species bond together, don't they??

grammy said...

The funny thing is I remember seeing that when I was about 7. I was on the way to the store in my small country town and ran all the way back home screaming. For some reason it was just so SCAREY.

Busymama Kellie said...

LOL, this story was so funny. And may I say I am so happy that you cleared up some confusion for me. When I was around 5 or 6 I had seen some dogs gettin it on, and they too were "frozen" at the butt. All this time I've been thinking that I was seeing or remembering things wrong (or even had dreamt it!). Thank you for the laugh and letting me know I'm not crazy!

Alexia said...

OMG too funny! My brother used to freak out when our female cat would yowl and crawl around the house like she was hurt...that was awkward to explain!

MoziEsmé said...

This is hilarious! Oh the joys of teaching the facts of life to your children.